Silenced by Guilt: Unlocking the Path to Assertiveness
During assertiveness lectures, we learn that assertiveness is the skill to: clearly express what we think and how we feel, openly communicate what we need, and set boundaries, all while respecting the other side.
However, although all of this sounds very intuitive and easy, in practice, we often struggle with being assertive. What we usually hear is that these are our misconceptions that need to be reprogrammed. But they didn't sprout from our heads spontaneously; they're a product of the culture we grew up in.
During our upbringing, through education, school, and various media, we received messages like: "The wiser one gives in," "Self-praise is no praise," "Silence is golden," and many others.
Therefore, we cannot call our culture assertive, which is why, not surprisingly, it's a foreign word. Thus, it wouldn't be fair to blame the individual for everything.
But here we are, and whether we call it assertiveness or something else, the ability to advocate for our own needs while respecting others' needs is of utmost importance for us and our well-being. However, it's not just about us - assertiveness at work isn't just desirable; it's also our responsibility: when we need to represent the company's or team's needs to a client, when we need to give feedback, contribute to a project with our suggestions, and in many other situations.
The Myth of Selfishness in Self-Expression
We all want to avoid rejection, and it's one of the biggest fears we overcome while growing up. But if, in our desire to avoid rejection, we follow the proverbs above - putting others' needs first, behaving modestly and inconspicuously - we'll be in a passive position where we're simply waiting for someone to "see" us.
The problem is that when we finally start behaving assertively, we'll feel guilt as a consequence of previous beliefs we haven't fully let go of yet.
But guilt is an inevitable and sure sign of change, and counterintuitively, in this case, it means we SHOULD continue with the behavior we're adopting. This is the price we must be willing to pay for visibility.
If we want to be visible, we must make peace with the idea that we'll always be the villain in someone's story, and that's not easy: sometimes we'll be characterized as bad if we stand up for ourselves, someone will be offended if we advocate for ourselves, and despite all efforts to be respectful, someone WILL be hurt by our behavior.
What can make dealing with guilt easier is to start with less important situations and with people you believe will be cooperative - for example, saying you disagree with a suggestion made by a trusted colleague. This way, there's a much better chance you'll receive positive feedback that will give you the momentum to face more challenging situations and conversation partners.
"The Visibility Paradox"
Famous psychologist George Kelly spoke about how natural it is for humans to want others to understand them, but not natural to want to understand others.
That's always the case when we're children, and then, as we grow up, we become aware that if we want to get something, we must also consider the position of the person we're asking from and what we need to give back.
For example, if there's currently no room for an initiative we want to implement, we can always ask our superior to outline the conditions that need to be met first for it to be realized, or find an alternative solution that would satisfy both sides.
We certainly won't be happiest if we don't immediately get what we want, but assertiveness is never just about us, even if we'd often like it to be different.
Because You Deserve It!
We're bombarded with this phrase from various directions - through media, self-help books, life coaches and gurus, and it's not strange that we get carried away with the thought that we just need to work on our "energy" and we'll attract what we need.
But no amount of "money-festing" will help when we need a raise, nor will the belief that we inherently deserve something.
Unfortunately, nothing "belongs" to us just like that, and the world isn't a place created to respond to our every demand, just as it isn't our role to be there to satisfy everyone's needs.
If we exclude basic human rights and contractual rights, what we deserve in one place, we won't deserve in another, and almost everything is actually a matter of negotiation where no insistence on deserving will bring benefit.
So, it's not a question of whether we "deserved" to advance to a new role, but whether the company we're in wants/can respond to that request. And sometimes this check alone is sufficient gain - it's just up to us to decide whether that works for us or not.
If I Don't Shout, No One Will Hear Me
This often happens in situations when we perceive someone's behavior as unacceptable, or when we become furious. Then it might seem to us that the other person is "doing something deliberately," that they're attacking or disrespecting us, so we respond with aggressive behavior.
Generally, no one has "attacked" us (fortunately), but rather it's about our interpretation of events. However, while anger is okay because it brings us back to our needs, rage is almost always a distorted view of the situation that makes us trapped in our own perspective. And to remind ourselves, the goal of assertiveness is precisely to consider both perspectives.
Therefore, we're adults, we're not helpless, and there are many better ways to get what we want. First of all, putting negative assumptions about the reasons for others' behavior in brackets and being open to hearing what's really going on.
From withdrawn to overbearing
How do people usually change?
By swinging from one extreme to another! Here's an example: if we were previously completely silent and didn't stand up for our needs, it's most likely that in the next period, we'll try to stand up for ourselves at every possible moment.
And yes, in this case, we start to annoy people around us with our demands which is exactly the selfishness we were trying to avoid. However, such change is usually short-lived since we receive feedback from our environment, it will soon become clear that we must find some measure in our behavior, and the only way for this is to experiment with our behavior, make mistakes, and bear the guilt for a certain period.
Mastering Assertiveness Doesn’t Guarantee Success
To bring our discussion full circle.
What we haven't said, and we hope it goes without saying, is that even if we master this communication skill excellently, it doesn't guarantee success, because there's nothing that will help us achieve what we want in every situation.
At the end of the day, the key is to take our piece of responsibility for what we'll do, as well as for what we'll think. Whether we'll follow: "Wisdom is silent until time speaks" or "Time waits, but words don't," unfortunately, or fortunately, the choice belongs to us.
Author: Marijana Kezunović, HR Assistant
